After finding out you are pregnant in the first place, discovering your baby’s gender is probably the most exciting time of your pregnancy. Whether you mean to or not, you usually start picturing your baby as a boy or girl soon after you see that plus sign appear on your pregnancy test. It’s natural and makes you feel connected to that pea sized baby immediately. When asked if they want a boy or girl, you will most likely hear everyone say “oh, it doesn’t matter as long as they are healthy.” And while that ultimately rings true once the baby is born, the fact of the matter is most of us secretly have a preference, if only for a little while. When the time comes for your much anticipated ultrasound, you may not hear the announcement you were expecting.
If you’re feeling a little down and out, know that you’re not alone! What you’re experiencing is gender disappointment and there are many articles on sites such as Today.com, Parents.com, AllParenting.com, and Babble.com that discuss this real issue. Unfortunately, many people use shaming and negative language when discussing gender disappointment, claiming it’s a ridiculous topic, that you should just be happy you’re having a baby, and how they may have suffered a loss and how they would be thankful just to have a child of their own. By no means are we comparing gender disappointment with those sentiments or losses, but we do acknowledge its a very real feeling for many women, and we’ve got some tricks for getting past it and back to happily expecting your new little one.
1. Embrace Your Emotions
Once you find out your new baby is not the boy or girl you wanted, you probably feel a lot of pressure to say that you’re completely happy and not admit disappointment. As a mother, you instantly feel you have a responsibility to love your child no matter what, so having feelings of disappointment that your little girl is actually a little boy can make you feel guilty and like you’re already failing as a mother. But that’s not true at all. People get disappointed about all sorts of things, so it’s completely ok to experience it regarding such a huge change in your life. You don’t need to attach guilt to feeling disappointed, just be honest with yourself and others that “yes, I wanted a girl, but I know my son will be a blessing.” A quick google search will let you know that you are not alone, and there are tons of support groups online.
2. Give Yourself Time
You don’t have to have resolved all your feelings of gender disappointment by the time you leave the doctor’s office after your ultrasound! If you find out the gender of your baby at 20 weeks, you still have several months to work through your feelings and get excited about your future son or daughter. Remember, don’t attach guilt to not immediately being delighted about the gender. It’s just something you have to work through. Once you feel you’ve achieved it, be ready for some ups and downs that may come randomly, as you find yourself shopping in the boys department and catching sight of some adorable Mary Janes. It’s completely normal, and will most likely disappear the moment you hold your baby for the first time.
3. Think About Why You’re Disappointed
Many women think they don’t have much to offer one gender, so they grasp onto the other. For example, a woman who grew up with all brothers may think she doesn’t know how to play dolls or have tea parties, so she favors having a son where she can play games she’s comfortable with. The wonderful thing about having children is that each and every one is different- you have no idea if you will have a tomboy on your hands or a son that loves reading and acting. If you are still nervous, then try and hang out with young children who you can play with and to start abating your fears. You will do just fine!
4. Take Steps To Accepting The Gender Of Your Baby
Many women who experience gender disappointment feel anger. They feel disconnected from their baby, refuse to search for baby names and avoid the baby clothes section. Once you’re feeling like you can, start taking steps to embrace your baby. Pick out some nursery items, buy an adorable baby blanket and talk to your belly. Know that this too, will pass. If you find that you are experiencing extreme gender disappointment or gender depression, it may be time to talk to a professional. If this is something you can process and work through before your baby arrives, all the better!
5. Seek Help Postpartum
If you are still experiencing gender disappointment after the birth of your child, its time to seek some help from a professional. Experiencing long term disappointment of you child’s gender can lead to postpartum depression, which directly impacts your health and wellness as you take on the new role of mother. Welcoming a child in to your home is difficult under the best circumstances, much less if you are experiencing some emotional issues that require some help. There is no shame in needing help, just be sure you get it so you can be the best mother you can be.