I’ve never liked leaving much of my life to chance. I leave the house early to make sure I’m never late. I store my digital photos in three different places in the event of a fire or a thief who might steal my computer. And I usually have a sizable distance in my budget between my paycheck and bills that need to be paid. I’m a worrier by nature, and a control freak by design.
I’ve spent most of my life planning and replanning, all in attempt to quell the potential spiral of things going out of my control. As a Believer, I cradled it all in God’s care on the outside. I was quick to send up a prayer and hope that God answered me the way I wanted and that He wouldn’t force me to relinquish control. He allowed me to carry on the illusion that I knew what I was doing, while secretly preparing my heart for a takeover and demonstration of His control.
I have to be honest and say that I never saw my sense of planning, worry and busyness as a sign that I loved to control things. I just saw myself as a leader, a hard worker and a perfectionist- all things that aren’t bad. It wasn’t until some pretty big things in my life started to move outside my careful planning that I realized I was placing my peace and faith in myself.
It dawned on me one day while sitting in church that I was holding on to the notion that God isn’t enough for me. I know, it sounds seriously awful. And while I wouldn’t say that was my overall opinion of God, it’s definitely how I acted. The biggest display of this was through my finances. I
am was downright tired of penny pinching and never having enough to save or do things beyond pay the bills. Somewhere, I felt the phrase “I Am ENOUGH” emanate in my body (I’ve never actually HEARD God’s voice, which would both frighten and excite me). ENOUGH? Oh sure God, you give me life, sustain me. But… God? I want MORE. More, more, more, more…
I don’t want to just have my needs met, and to rest in You.
I want to be comfortable.
I want extra money to do fun stuff.
I want to not worry ever about money.
I want to do it on my own.
So you know what God did? Or rather, what He allowed to happen? Well first, he probably chuckled to himself at my ridiculousness. And then He took it to a new level. He changed some situations in my life that took away even more comfort in my finances so now I have -$18 every month. The message has been sent loud and clear: I AM ENOUGH.
The day before everything started changing, I had been doing some Bible Journaling. I was pretty excited to practice my brush lettering, not really paying as much attention to what I was writing. Little did I know that Zephaniah 3:17 would soon become a life verse for me. P.s. don’t laugh at my journaling, I’m SUCH a novice!
Can we just stop and say what an amazing poet Zephaniah was? Not only does he tell it like it is (“He will quiet you with his love”), but he writes of God’s intense desire to celebrate with us (“He will rejoice over you with singing”), especially when we follow Him. Even more, “The Lord Your God is WITH YOU.” He’s not just there on the side, or in the background. He is WITH me.
I’m realizing there are many things that I WANT (and that I will continue to want- I’m human and selfish), but they are also things that God never promised me. Here’s what he DID promise:
“But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
I’m pretty glad it’s ok to boast about my weaknesses because I’ve got quite a few! I’m also glad that overall, I have been given grace and that it alone is what sustains me. Because of my weakness, God is able to fill in the gaps and He takes over.
I know without a doubt that if I hadn’t gone through this recent shakeup, I would have continued to strive for MORE. And I’ve come to realize that it’s ok to just be content. To be ok with ENOUGH. We live in a world where there’s no such thing as enough. You can’t make too much money, have too many followers on social media, or have too many clothes. But in the end I feel like all that MORE just keeps putting a wedge between God and us. If we don’t NEED him, He can’t work in our lives. And the truth is, no amount of buffer in my savings account is going to fill me up. No comfortable job is going to give me peace. It’s only the constant returning to the knowledge that God is ENOUGH that keeps me needing Him.