In case you didn’t know this about me, I’m a people reader. I can tell a lot about people based on how they look or things they say.
Like, if someone says, “I just don’t like dogs,” I can tell you right now that that’s a bad person and they should be ostracized (kidding). Same goes for anyone who says that they don’t enjoy a good cup of coffee. Clearly, there’s something wrong with them and they should be institutionalized until they get it together.
And, just like I’m phenomenal at decoding these subtle hints about people’s personalities from the obtuse things they say, I’m totally a coffee reader. The way you take your coffee says a lot about you, so I’m going to reach through this laptop, through the Wi-fi, through the internet, and tell you all about yourself from your morning mug.
Because I know you.
Busy, busy, busy. You’re not the fussy type and you’re a pro at efficiency. You have crap to do and you need energy to do it, so a shot of espresso just makes sense. It fits perfectly with your slightly impatient, jam-packed schedule and no-nonsense attitude. It’s 64 mg of caffeine in one delicious ounce so you can fuel up and hit the day running like you actually enjoy your job.
Word to the wise, though: don’t forget to savor that shot. I know you have things to do and places to go, or maybe the other way around, but don’t forget to take a few seconds to swish that delicious shot of espresso around in your mouth and pay your respects to the gods of caffeination.
You know what’s up. You may prefer to get your morning jolt from a double espresso rather than a classic cup of the black stuff, but you’re the kind to take your time sipping at that tiny demitasse. While I can appreciate your total reverence for the coffee experience, don’t forget to, ya know, do something with the caffeine now coursing through your veins. You need to find that balance between inert and active, and I’m right there with you, friend. Get up and use that alertness to change the world! Or just bake cookies or something, that feels pretty powerful, too.
You’re a bit of an enigma, friend. Cappuccinos and lattes are espresso shots with a combination of steamed milk and foam, just in varying amounts, and they taste neither particularly like a hearty cup of a coffee or a thick cup of milk. You’re mysterious and a tad creative, but you use it practically. If you find yourself getting frustrated in interactions with other people, try telling them plainly what’s going through your mind. They’re likely as confused by you as I am.
You, my other-side-of-the-same-coin friend, are no mystery at all. You’re energetic and upbeat and love to add a little something-something to caffeine because, honestly, you’re pretty sure that you’re allergic to “bitter” and the subtleties of an artisan brew are a bit lost on you.
I can appreciate some caramel or mocha syrup or powder now and again, so I understand you. You have a lot of dreams and you like to take on projects while sipping on your caramel cappuccino and I’m just here to say you keep doin’ you, boo.
You just wanted desert on-the-go, kiddo, and you’re disguising it as something vaguely called “coffee.” You’re sweet and cute and you maybe wanted to be a little more alert (?), but you come naturally packed with your own stock of awakeness and really don’t need any caffeine.
First off, I’m jealous. Second off, it’s okay if you just wanted your sweet tooth fix in a convenient, portable cup. Just please don’t call it coffee. Please. Thanks.
Ahhhh, my people. You are me. You’ve hit a point in your coffee consumption where you genuinely have to admit that you like the unadulterated taste of coffee as much as you need the caffeine. Your pride yourself on being organized in your endless creativity but you’re also one helluva procrastinator.
I won’t make you admit it aloud, but you know it. That list of stuff in your daily planner always ends up with arrows pointing to the next day, and half of the time it’s because you started stuff you didn’t need to start until tomorrow. Drink some more black brew and just make sure you’ve crossed it all off by Friday. You’ve got this.
Coffee with Cream and Sugar
You’d probably prefer a flavored coffee, to be honest, but you’re not the type to frivolously spend money. You’re smart with finances, naturally practical about your daily goals, and pretty classic in your coffee consumption. A cup a day adds the right number of extra neurons firing.
You do have a tendency to under treat yourself, though. Go get yourself a cookie and a flavored latte. I’m pretty confident in saying that you deserve it.
You’re a creature of habit. You’re pregnant or an insomniac but the smell and taste of coffee really soothes you, so you’re doing what you have to to protect the fetus or get some beauty rest. I admire you—you’re a true coffee lover. You love coffee even when it doesn’t do anything for you. You’re dedicated and passionate and faithful and we should totally go out some time.
You hate yourself. We need to talk, okay? This behavior is self-destructive and you need to learn how to pat yourself on the back after a long day and say that you’re enough. Stop hating yourself, hunny. We’ll get through this.
I’m on the money, right? Now, go enjoy your drink of choice and feel more enlightened about yourself.
About Greg Haver
Hey there, my name is Greg and I’m the creator and editor of Coffee or Bust. I’ve been in the coffee business for over a decade, and my goal is to help you make the best cup of coffee with recommended tips, tools, and tricks!